Ten Things: 5 Negatives and 5 Positives
1.) I hate the ER. I'm not going to go into detail today. It will only piss me off more.
2.) I have to work on Thanksgiving, and my brithday, and probably Christmas.
3.) I am REALLY lonely on Night Float, unless one of my buddies is on with me.
4.) My sister is coming home and I won't get to see her very much.
5.) Some of my attendings are bipolar.

1.) I'm reading my ass off for the ABSITE, our yearly test. This combined with feeling like my butt is on the line every night as "senior in house" is making me into a much better resident.
2.) Gary is back in cell phone contact after being in Ecuador for a week.
3.) I'm almost half way through Night Float.
4.) I will probably get some time off around New Year, like six lovely days.
5.) I'm still completely thrilled with my personal life in general, even though I don't have much time to enjoy it right now. 3:55 AM

UNCLE!

My sleep schedule is totally screwed. I was doing fine with working until about 7:00 am, getting in bed by 8:00, sleeping until 1:00 or 2:00, reading for work and then going to work. Then, they started making me stay up for meetings and other assorted bs, and now I'm awake unitl noon, sleeping until 4:00 and just barely peeling myself out of bed to go to work. THe night float person should not have to sit in conference until 11 am. It just isn't fair to have no quality sleep in the middle of the week. It messes you up. 4:25 AM

It has been the longest time since I last blogged. I have been so busy, and so choked up over things that I haven't given my inner monologue much of a voice these days. Now that I'm on night float for two months, and I'm awake while the rest of the world sleeps, I'm talking to this blog instead of talking on my phone.

This night float thing really can drag you down. It's hard to live completely opposite of everyone else. I think it might be easier at UT, where I know the people in the hospital. Here at our other hospital, I haven't done many rotations. In fact, it has been only 3 in the last year and a half. People don't know me at all. I just show up and start asking for things, and they look at me like "who's this bitch?" There's no time to make friends or win people over. I just try to keep it professional and keep my freaking out to a minimum.

That's another topic. Freaking out. Night float is really a time where you feel your growing pains. I'm the surgery resident in house. That's it. Just me. I have senior back-up, but calling is a sign of weakness. The whole point is to learn and to figure it out. For example, we don't get a lot of experience doing central lines as junior residents because everyone gets a PICC these days, but on night float, there is no PICC line nurse. You just have to do it. Tension pneumo? It's you. Ruptured AAA? Get on the phone to your attending while you're pushing the patient to the OR yourself. I'm telling you. This is the real thing. So the options are to look like the weak resident, or to put on your big girl panties and deal with it. So, that's what I'm doing... SO in the big girl panties...with Wonder Woman on them.

The funny thing is that the shit has really hit the fan over the last few days. I've seen plenty of stuff that would have made me hide under the bed last year. It's almost like the universe was saving it for me until I was almost ready for it, and then dumped it on me when it was time to grow up a little. That isn't to say that I don't question myself and that I'm not afraid sometimes. I do and I am. That's what keeps you from being dangerous, I think. I am absolutely not going to let myself get cocky either. It's bad luck.

In other news, I'm almost afraid to go to sleep in my house because someone broke into it last month and stole my laptop. They only took the computer, and my sense of security. I made a police report and all that stuff, and I regularly call the police when I see people loitering in my neighborhood. It's like a sport for me now. If you stop in front of my house for more than 5 seconds I'm on the phone. Last night my dryer made a sound like my front door opening and I almost had a cardiac arrest. I set my burgler alarm and went back to bed. The thing that bothers me the most about this is that I NEVER got scared living by myself before. I like living alone. I like being lord and emperor of my domain and I enjoy being able to keep my house clean to my own exacting specifications. I like to sit on my steps at night and look at the stars. Now, I'm always peaking out my windows and wishing I had a gun. Is that normal? If I shot someone, would I feel compelled to help them? All good questions from the inner monologue.

I think I have introspected enough (and now I'm inventing words). I have to go make myself read 6 pages on thyroid disease and do some questions if I can. 2:18 AM