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Thursday, May 31, 2007
Dear God, put your arm around my shoulders, and your hand over my mouth.

I have been having a couple of weeks of "why did I say that?!" moments. I open my mouth, words come out, and I end up squirming about what I said every time I think about it. Seriously, I'm squirming about 5 different things, just off of the top of my head right now. When did I go from being a self-possessed surgeon girl to a blithering idiot? I assume too much, or take things too lightly, or make a big deal out of things unnecessarily every other minute. It's so frustrating and highly embarassing!

Okay, new topic. The squirming is getting unbearable.

Intern year is drawing to a close. We're all supposed to look forward to moving up. There's less call, and more operating. People trust you to make a few more decisions. The deer-in-headlights look isn't on your face quite so often. It's better, or so I expect. I think it's also true that the level of responsibility jumps quickly. We are the "chiefs" in house on night float at our downtown hospital. That means that the final assessment of what is going on is made by... us before the attending is called. Are they mad? I rely on my chiefs a lot. I'm trying to stretch myself and learn to try to figure out what is going on with a patient on my own before I call my chief, but I'm still passionately glad they're here nearly all of the time. Still, I know what will happen. There will be growing pains. I'll feel uncomfortable, and probably order some tests to treat my own neurosis. I'll get yelled at, start to read obsessively, and eventually I'll be okay. I never would have dreamed I would be this comfortable by the end of my intern year. I do still question myself all the time, but I manage to get the job done with a fair amount of grace, usually.

Instead of spending a lot of time thinking about that, I'm focusing on my four weeks of vacation instead. In August, I'm going to Las Vegas with Jon, which will be SO much fun, I can't wait. In October, I'm going to go see my sister in D.C. (This will be the first she has heard about it.) In January, I'm going to my bed and sleeping for a week. In May, I'll have to think of somewhere cool to go to get away from the trauma service. There's a lot to look forward to.

Life is pretty good, lately.
~Sara~
11:11 PM

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